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Thursday, June 12, 2003

 
Here I am, again, crying my eyes out to some lame (EXCELLENT!!!!!!) weak (AWESOME!!!!!!!) so-cal wanna be rocker (GREAT!!!!!!!) and all i can think about is feeling like ive done something wrong - which i have. its not like ive done much right lately.
so ive sat almost 2 days in silence. im not sure if thats my fault - although i assume it is. The other thing i can think of is how pescied i wanna get... for no reason what-so-ever.
I want to move on. I want to live again - because this is not living. I want to be honest with people, WITHOUT putting blame on them or being honest just to get people's attention or trying to put people in a guilt trip - that was never my intention - but it happens. its the way i was conditioned.
maybe you dont understand where all this horrible, self-inflicted pain came from. lets try 5th - 8th grade. i cant completely blame all my retarded-ness on it, but its the origin for sure. my "stellar" friends didnt treat me like i needed to be treated. they didnt care. they didnt respect me. they, essentially, ignored me. and some people that ive known from then, still do it to this day. its not completely my conscious fault that i dont get to attached to people. i respect them, but i cant attach - because i never know when they'll go away. in the ashbrooky days, i was literally, to them, a disposable friend. i was used as needed, and put in a corner when unnecessary.
can anyone blame me for being emotionally scared? i cant just changed everything ive been used to battling just to make the world a better place - it takes fucking time. and right now, thats obviously time i dont have.

but enough about me - how are YOU?

i made a "fight club" soap for my dad (pink, has 'fight club' carved), and as i was cleaning the soap holder thingy, i cut myself, and my thumb is STILL bleeding (that was 3 this afternoon). pitty me. :(

erg. on second thought, dont. its bad for my health.

i have given up on myself. i have given up on myself in a sense that i can not do this anymore. i have tried to make up for my wrongs, and all i have recieved is negative feedback. maybe this call i recieved and could not return is positive feedback, but you never know.

my horoscopes keep telling me to positive and optimisitc. this is hard, considering i am, since birth, a pesimist. no, not a penis monger, but a pesimist. my glass has always been half empty, and regardless of what people say, i feel that the only way to re-fill my cup is with a chemical concoction... wheeeeeeeee.

so i love you, cruel, cruel world.
i love jason mraz too... :D


~*N*~





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