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Tuesday, July 29, 2003

I HAVE RETURNED! omg... its been like a friggin year since i wrote. Everybody (aka Nora and Katie) have started blogger thingies, so i figure i might as well start contributing to another waste of time.
So im back from camp, (it ended about 2 weeks ago) - my three week zen moment (what up now beeyoch! Im a bhuddist!) and my mind is a bit clearer. Ive decided to veto the drinking from my repetoire - and eliminate most chances of me smoking... does not sound fun anymore. i have better things to do... like play jason (guitar... duh). I have developed this new untapped desire to live in Washington, i have a tendancy to use stupid phrases and words like "youre my hero", "youre a pro", "weak sauce", "fucked like rabbits", "dorkface", and the 'oh so popular': "MURRRRRR!" (Mur - n.,v.,adj. - par example: (n.) "you are such a pro. Almost as cool as mur." (v.) "MUR YOU!" (adj.) " murrrr face." If you dont get it, you dont deserve to.
So, the aftermath of camp has really made me different - first, no more drama. i am sick of drama in all shapes and forms. athough i recognize that i have a flirting problem, that seems to contribute to drama - just dont take it personally if im ruining the "chances with your crush" - the truth is, im probably not and you should just take a fucking chill pill and relax. its not a fucking big deal. ALSO - i hate dwelling on the past. fucking hell - all you people that live in the past and the distant future, please, for the love of god, move on - i have been living in the present tense for the last few months, and they have been the most turbulant/greatest days of my life. once you realize that the only thing that matters is what is going on now, then you shall reach "enlightenement" - in my terms, that pretty much means that youve grown up a lot and you realize that dwelling in the past sucks and that worrying about the future sucks more. its cool to imagine what can happen, but planning your life so that it does, cant always work... sometimes plans get screwed. (man, thats an understatement...) i think its important that everyone knows that tho...
par example pour autres (other things that are changed): i dont really give a fuck what people think anymore. I could wake up at camp wearing the same sweatpants as the night before, possibly the same sweatshirt - and no one would care. If i show up around here wearing the same damn shoes like 2 days in a row, somebody has a friggin cow! (par example: "you wore those flip flops YESTERDAY!" Im sorry... what? youre a snob? thats what i thought...) I also learned that I have low self esteem. Yes, sad but true. And I am the only one that can fix that. Sadly, this was realized when I refused to let myself walk out of the bathroom wearing a bikini. Then other people whined too about theirs, and I realized: it shouldn't really matter anymore. who cares if my mother has been telling me that "[im] fat" since about 5th grade - ive seen fatter people... so... murrr! another thing about me that has changed, is that i am too damn lazy to actually argue with people. par example: somebody picks a fight - my response "whatever- its your problem now... i dont really care." because i dont. Although this seems similar to the "disposable friend" years - life moves on. I do realize that this will present a problem in the long run, but as long as im happy and can survive without stupid vices, ill be okay.
so wait, this website might be a vice... so ill have to work on that. well... i dont think it is... more of a... forum? for myself? who knows.... who fucking cares?
thats another thing - dont get pissed because i use "sentence enhancers", yes "sentence enhancers" - just about any curse word you can think of (spongebob says there are 13... yes spongebob... "mur you" if you have a problem with me saying that... ) I am too lazy to express how i really feel, so i say things in replacement for my true emotions - if they happen to come out as a sentence enhancer - so be it!
so i leave for Seattle this friday - to VISIT SASHA!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! omg im so psyched. my secret agent x-9!!!! Sasha, you are a trooper - you have seriously been through a whirlwind of a 3 weeks with me... just imagine - we used to despise each other... oh weeeeeellllllll...
alright, on the topic of shoutouts - i guess i shall continue...
Katie - i am sorry i am missing your birthday. i heart you so much - and you know it. i hope you have a wonderful time with your friends.
Nora - you amaze me everytime we hang out. I must say, you seem to make everyday a party... kidnapping kicked ass... we must do it again- who's birthday is next?
Keyan (if he acutally reads this) - miss ya - ill see you this weekend... it sucks i leave THE DAY BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY! ARG!
Suz - Im sorry things were left on such a bad note... we are conflicting personalities sometimes, and that sucks. but we just have to forget the drama and move on...
Rorror - damn you for being in Scotland while im in Seattle... i guess that just gives me another reason to return, huh? we'll chat more later...
Brian (although i know hes not reading this... muahhaha!) YOURE MY HERO!

in conclusion i have 2 thoughts. one, a dream that Sasha and I plan on living out, the second, a song.

Sasha and I, in the chateau, invisable fence, little kids with collars, a closet full of condoms, boys of our choice, brian, beauty in its purest form, sunshine, music, parties, milk drinking, entertainment, canoe island, comic relief, good times, thick blankets, being held, being happy, massages, open bar, gypsy, crazy french men, fucked like rabbits, no scary bugs, bonfires, growing, living in ecstacy, people you love, a moment of zen, fireworks, beach, feeling crazy, feeling safe, hands, feeling loved, being cared about,
fantasy island...
ah... life is good...

2: (My thoughts best be expressed... just kidding... i dont know, appart from Suzanne Vega lyrics, this is the way ive been feeling lately... oh Fiona Apple- fast as you can... thats another one for the lyrics pile... jesus... the beast is at large...)

RES - Tsunami

I feel so nice just when you're here
The reason why is not so clear
I knew the first time when you told me
I'd fall in love just as you'd hold me

And now I want to stay at your side tonight
I want to watch you as the sun lights up your eyes
I want to know when you wake first thing you see is me
You're all the things I prayed that I'd meet

Ride, ride this wave of mine
There're brighter things out on the other side
Ride, ride this wave of mine
I know that things are going to be alright

Moments they come and then they go
You'll feel so high and then before you know
I could of sworn our future was set in stone
But I guess some things it's just as well for God to know

So now I concentrate on turning wrong to right
I'm going to let go things I held inside so tight
I'm going to live and let forgive things said in spite
Clear out the smoke and usher in the light

Ride, ride this wave of mine
There're brighter things out on the other side
Ride, ride this wave of mine
I know that things are going to be alright

(note: i am aware that "there're" is technically not a word... its the way she says it... so accept it god damn it...)

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