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Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Mood: angsty
Music: november rain - gnr
Color: red
Vice: pretending to clean my room

im feeling a little too angsty for my own good.
last night i got into bed, and i felt worthless.
what has my life really amounted to? what have i ever done that has made a difference on anyone else's life?
existing is not enough.
I feel like i should be responsible for some life change.
but im not.
so instead, i practically took yesterday off, after that huge day of chaos.
and wasted away all night.
i didnt really sleep.
i merinated.
i merinated in my own angst.
so now the littlest things bother me.
like how my mom decided my room wouldnt be cleaned this morning because there was "stuff on my desk, nighstand, and keyboard. your bathroom is dirty too."
"those are lesley's things."
"too bad."

so now i have a messy room.
and my desk is in a state of chaos due to the weak attempt to clean it off.
and i put all of lesley's toiletries back in the thing.
she got all angsty with me during HOS today. I know how much fun leading a brainstorm can be in that class - you have nobody's attention.
so i cant blame her for being angsty.
me on the other hand.
i have no reason.

Lesley: "you are so lucky."
Me: "yeah. im really blessed."

so why do i know that i am so lucky, and yet, i do nothing to pay anyone back for it.
for now, i will just exist.
or seize to.

bang bang, i shot you down
bang bang, you hit the ground

my mom leaves for indiana on thursday.
that means car.
car car car.
i think i will go visit people at CV for lunch on thursday.

bang bang, that awful sound

i realized i have choir alllll saturday.
and that SUUUUCKSSS! i have choir retreat practically all day, and then the "donor's concert" that night.
i would rather eat cirellos pizza (ugh... pizza) and watch fight club or terminator with Tim.
we like to fill Natalie's life with busy silly little things!
but i guess thats in retalliation for my luckiness.

bang bang, i used to shoot you down

ugh. i like how months of friendship and chaos can be erased by one greedy bi-polar bitch.

cruel, cruel, mad world, i find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad, the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had...

i guess ill have to settle...

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