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Thursday, August 05, 2004

Mood: i would give myself a rating of 4/5 pathetic
Music: the backround theme from "last comic standing"
Color: breen
Vice: last comic standing

i hate feeling like a dork.
then why am i allowing myself to do this?
i need some seperation. but i have seperation anxiety.
what the hell is wrong with me.
why cant i grow up?

i wish i was carrie from sex in the city.
i wish i was mature enough to understand love and be okay with losing it... occasionally. I wish i could write like her. I wish i could dress like her. I wish i could understand men like her.

im such a dork.
boyfriend, please come home now.
but im pretty sure we're doomed: we've spent a total of maybe 12 hours together this summer, over about 5 days.
thats a pathetic number, my friend.
i wont even be able to spend much time with him for the two weeks that we're in town at the same time.
because, i have a speed reading class, SAT study sessions, college essays, PSU homework/studying for 2 classes, sleep, work from 8-3 (im shortening my hours so i can study more) and essentially, no social life.
i am just so frustrated. in more ways than one.
can someone get me a blow pop?
visiting hours are from 7-11:30 on saturdays only.
the rest of the week is booked. not kidding.
my bedtime is 9:30. So i have enough time to get in about 8 hours or sleep before i have to get up an do it again.
i feel like crying because im so confused.
i hate confusing myself, but it appears to be one of the only things im good at.
i think i need a new psychiatrist. shrink, please.

my mother asked me how i was going to "keep sane" with all the college bullshit and school work and whatnot.
news flash: i WONT be keeping sane. I dont have the strength or energy to "keep sane." who the fuck has the energy to "keep sane"?
im already pissed cause bunny blew off our plans for this weekend. little did she know that it is probably the last time i'll see her this summer besides my birthday.
speaking of which, im considering cancelling it. I dont feel like getting any more stressed out than i already am, i clearly dont have the money, and i dont really care.
working on a final guest list is even hard. being like: "is this person actually a friend? or just an aquantiance?"
we'll see. ill probably knock it down from 64 to about 12 people in a matter of days.
im really to tired to care.
i dont even know why im writing.
i guess its an excuse from having to go to sleep and admit that i, again, have an addiction.
i cant share it with you at this point, but its not drugs, dont worry.
does someone want to get me some drugs? im beginning to think that maybe id loosen up and do better on my SATs if i did more drugs...
isnt that the catch? the more confidence you have, and the less you care about actually doing well, the better you do. seriously, people i know who dont give a DAMN about going to college and making something of themselves are scoring waaaaaaay above where i am.
when was the lecture on how being stupid sometimes makes you really smart?

ugh. i have to go study my vocab words for 15 minutes. hardcore.
infact, so hardcore, that my mother made me a special calendar so i can keep track of all the scheduled times im supposed to study.
dont bother expecting me on the internet, if you care, because i probably wont be there.
i have to go study.
and sleep.
because i dont want to get up at 5 tomorrow.
i will however, be doing more homework on my lunch and breaks at work.
ugh. i love work.
i love stress.
i love me. or at least thats what i try to tell myself, you cruel, cruel world. hows that for concieted?

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