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Sunday, September 12, 2004

Mood: foeshitty
Music: Spiders - Wilco
Color: Gray
Vice: photo journaling

I dont understand why things are so fucky right now.
As perfect as my life is, I apparently love to create drama.
I read into things too much.
I desperately want things that I cannot have.
Nothing I do for my college applications is good enough for my mother - why is that?
I'm feeling like I'm on a downward spiral.

Ben Jay has made USC film school his first chance. Therefore, I will not be attending USC film school. There is no way in hell that 2 students from CHS will get 2 of the 28 positions in the USC film school. Aka: I'm screwed. Why am I so convinced? Lets compare Ben Jay's wit, experience, extra curriculars, and academics to mine. Ladies and Gentlemen, we've found a winner. Congrats, Ben.
I confessed my USC-related depression to an inebriated Dan late yesterday evening. He pretty much walked outside and proclaimed that that was "absolutely not possible!" and that if i get into USC in general, I can always apply for film school later.
Aka, another dead halt. That would screw me over twice.
What if i didn't get into the film school? Would i just have to apply for a regular old writing program? Jeez, I hope not. That might actually kill me.
If I didn't get into the film school, I know i would quickly lose interest in screenwriting. I would stop doing it (like i have already) and forget about how much i loved it. I would then pick up some lameass major i dont really want, like English Composition (sorry English kids, but that would just fuck me over...) and become a cubicle monkey.
Do I want that? N-O, not happening...
Why has Chris Byars not written me back yet. Orange County asshole...
Anyway, maybe I'll study psychology if i dont get into the film school. I've always kind of been interested in that. I suppose i could continue to write psychologically motivated scripts if i don't get to write scripts for class.
Fuck. This is such a poop chute. Sorry, I suppose that was too graphic for the cubicle monkies out there.

Take a shower and shine your shoes, you've got no time to lose...

I have this dilemma, not Nelly style. Sorry. I wrote a lot about it in the last time i tried to blog about this, but it ate it and i got frustrated and decided not to do it again. Fucker.
So i guess i'll try again. I'm trying this new thing where i dont give up. Hah, this will last long...

The Dilemma: I want something I can't have. Everything is working against me when it comes to getting it. I suppose thats one of the things that makes it more appealing: the fact that I CAN'T have it. Isn't that how that shit works? Anyway, to avoid increasing the carpal tunnel that is beginning to develop in my left hand and boring you to death, i will try to make this brief. I want this so bad, I am spending a couple hundred dollars on the wild chance that it might be the one thing that completes what i've been looking for. I suppose its my Personal Legend to some extent. Well thats a lie. I haven't spent a few hundred dollars on it yet. Nor am i spending it on that specifically. Its related, although, not exact. Whatever, unrelated... SO! I asked my advisors of the moment, Tony and Hannah, for their "oh-so-sage" advice in this matter. (Note: the following is paraphrasing/summarizing of what was told to me.)
Tony:This might be it, but you also might be lying to yourself. This might just be an infatuation with this, and you might just be lying to yourself about REALLY wanting it. On the other hand, this might be it, and you're making obstacles to stop yourself from getting it. (Editor's Note: distance, federal laws, fear, and morality is what is keeping me from having it. I clearly am not the only one making obstacles for myself... )
Hannah: Follow your bliss. As cliche as that sounds, if you really want this, you'll make it work. It sounds like the other side is just as promising, because i have been in a situation very similar to this, and it did work itself out. When you do have your chance to get it again, go for it, don't stop yourself - however, you will have to be honest with all parties involved. (Editor's Note: This is the part that includes fear and death. I absolutely cannot be honest with everyone about it due to morals, legality, and fear.) But you should totally go for it because it is very well possible that you (both) know that this may be it. (*starksky and hutch style:*) DO IT.

I am so lost cruel cruel world.
I am like clay puzzle pieces in the sun.

I've rented a camera and a van. I hope I won't have to use my friend as a stand in... lets grease the lens and set up the shot...

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