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Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Mood: Thank God! I haven't gotten to blog for days!/Fuck. the government will take us all down.
Music: They - Jem... soooooooo yummy. I could rock out to this shit for hours.
Color: death.
Vice: uh... CNN? and the anti-war effort. I signed a student petition today on campus. because im a college student. HAH.

I wrote to Daniel this morning because my blog wouldnt load. At all. There was a 4 hour period where i realllly wanted to blog, but it was like "hells no! piss off!" So we bickered a little and i settled on writing to Dan in blog style until it would start working. Here are the important parts (that i can show you. :P somethings are just between me and Daniel. go figure.) and whatever i felt like adding 6+hrs after i meant to blog. stupendous.

for the second time in my life i was called a democratic communist. Once by Schitsophrenic Cowboy Chris (a la USC) and this crazy lady named Paige, who was actually the primary cause of my childhood depression (long story, but im over it.) Anywho, it was quite a shock that it was all deja-vu-y, and it took much restraint from poking her eyes out with my "Ogres for John Kerry" pin (featuring Shrek) and calling her a Nazi Republican who obliterates societies that they dont like.

So i didnt. I thought i would get in trouble, or that would be mean. and im not really THAT mean, am i?

Had one of those moments where i felt i should be doing something productive. Then i sneezed - but not one of those all out sneezes where your snot flies everywhere (thats not my style) - and i felt a lot better. Then i wrote to Daniel: my favoritey-favorite.

i have nothing really to be unhappy about, but everything seems gray. If you looked outside, you'd think that we lived in some sort of bubble. The sky is all one color, and it is an ugly one. Well not really, i kind of like rain. But i guess thats the willamette valley in me.

He wont call me back. I have offically taken Samo/Crap Factory's advice and considered moving on for about... eh... 60 seconds. Then i was cleaning my room and opened that cabinet in the back corner of my room and discovered my "PandaPanda" box full of memorabilia that i SHOULD have thrown away but i am too much of a pack rat and a sentimentalist (word? yes?) to get rid of it.
That and my head was telling me that maybe, oneeee day, it might come in handy. Either because a) we've gotten back together or b) because ill be rich and famous and somebody will want to sell "Natalie Lewis's ex-boyfriends' memorabilia" on ebay for a bagillion dollars.
Save those shitty homemade things i make you guys for christmas, birthdays, and chanukah. You never know when they'll be worth bagillions on Ebay.
who cares. its time for me to move on... speaking of which:

i had this beautiful moment with this beautiful boy (who is actually one of the "popular kids," so technically, outside of class, he gets to ignore me and pretend like he doesnt recognize me - NICE, i know.) becuase i said "whomps" in a class conversation, which is a direct reference to the cartoon "Recess," where the kids get in trouble for making up a word to replace all swear words, "Whomp."
Here was its context:
Teacher: "Now i want you to get into groups and discuss the imagery in the poem."
Me: (quietly, so the teacher wont hear) "that whomps."
Beautful popular boy who i would give my left ball, if i had balls, to get with (who is sitting clear across the room): *turns, looks me in the eyes, grins in that "please fuck me" way* "Whomps? *bigger grin* NICE!"

Then we had a little moment after class where i went out of my way to talk to him to see where he had learned that word. he of course, learned it from "recess" and we had one of those little moment where it was like "awwwww cute! popular boy has something in common with weird lesbian-artsy-fartsy chick!"

At least thats what it must have looked like from the outside. i cant really remember. all i remember is that it was one of those out of body experiences where its like im observing myself talking to this kid. I want to hit myself over the head and be like "you idiot. dont talk to him. he probably thinks that youre a lesbian too because Paige (yes, the aforementioned) and some other mean people spread it around the school in 8th grade." which at the time was a big deal because it was a)8th grade b)there were lots of homophobic people, most of them girls... and then there were the 4 boys in the whole school and c) i was already depressed.

See, the thing is, im pretty cool with most of the popular kids. Only because i went to private school with the 4 girls who currenly think theyre the hottest shit in school. And they clearly are the hottest shit, because everyone wants to a) be them b) fuck them c) be their best friend.
So they occasionally awknowledge my existance. just for kicks. hmmm.

maybe im being a little hard on myself? this is just the world according to manic/depressed/exhausted: emotionally and physically Natalie. Its like malibu barbie, but without the prozac.

I don't think i've sent him the email yet. Im not quite sure if he wants to actually read all of it beacuse he probably thinks im a) manic b) a stalker of c) really hot. hah. isnt life just funny?

I feel like killing nazis today. anyone know any?

I borrowed Ms. Carman's "Birthdays, Stars, and Fortunes" or whatever book because i felt i needed to read it some more. It pretty much has every day of the year, and how your birthday defines the type of person you are. Mine is almost dead on, except for the part about being a perfectionist/pays attention to detail.
the book is waaaay off on that one. Let's do some book highlights:
August 29th:
Your birthday suggest that you are charaismatic, warm, and ambitions, posessing a keen intellect and an enterprising spirit. Independent and sucess-oriented, you like to be active and think in grandiose terms you may, however, have you avoid getting emtionally carried away or going to extremes.
(Duh, that is me in a nutshell. "Look! I'm in a nutshell!")
Your Secret Self:
With your wealth of knowledge (hahahahahahhaha) you often possess a special gift for the writeen or spoken word and inspire and entertain others with your ideas. Althought you are stimulated by intelligence (hella) an inner restlessness may encourage you to explore many avenues in order to avoid becoming bored (DUH.) Sensitive and imaginative, you possess a strong desire for freedom, but may have to beware of becoming a self-indulgent dreamer who fails to make your grand plans a reality.
(duh, thats why my mom is around to make me do shit.)
Love and Relationships: (brace yourself fools)
Charming and compelling, with a touch of the dramatic, you possess an enthusiastic personality. Often you are attracted to powerful people (like those with moneyyyys!); however, you may need to avoid power challenges with partners (mom, sister, lesley, inbar, hahahha etc.) Women of this birthday are often willing to work hard to keep things comfortable and harmonious at home and in a relationship (uh, aka, "the secret" and the story of my last relationship. OUCH.) Usually you are socially inclined and can make a good host or hostess (hostess, i hope.) Often attracting more than one person (what?! these people need to tell me!) and finding it hard to offend anyone (true, very true. mentioned that in about 6 essays) you can suffer difficulty in making relationship decisions.

I will refrain from listing the exact birthdays of my soulmates, because they creepily match people i am very close to and that might ruin it. however, i must say that tali is already planning the wedding, and she is a bridesmade. Lesley, buy a dress dear...

the soulmate thing actually made me almost shit myself. but in a good way. i kinda believe that somewhere out there that there actually is somebody who is looking for me. Its up to me to find them.
Luckily, one of my very close buddies has one of the birthdays, and its the only birthday chosen in that month. lets not jinx it friends: tali, tell the caterer about 4 years. lesley, put that dress on hold.
frick. im too young to feel this alone.
what is with this sudden desire to settle down? i am turning into the anthesis of what i thought i was: independent, free, life-loving. Now ive become this dependent, slave-to-myself, pessimist. This is not working for me. i need to:
a) move on from that one person (working on it!)
b) get laid (working on it!)
c) get into college (see ABOVE)
d) fall in love
e) sky dive
f) drive a caddy
g) live in LA
h) see citizen kane
i) get famous
j) get rich
k) do something that really makes my parents proud
l) live in NYC
m) get married
n) cry infront of somebody i care about... but like, all out crying
o) confront my father
p) be chill with gramps
q) be prom queen. HAH.
r) experiment. oy.
s) marry adam cole... teehee. at least pretend.
t) get somebody cool in the white house
u) realize that i've had an awesome life
v) meet somebody new
w) have something terrible happen to me
x) get over my fear of roller coasters
y) go in a hot air balloon
z) stop making lists because i dont want to go into numbers, capital letters, or double letters... or any of that other bullshit. im done with lists cruel cruel world.

if you want me to make a copy of your birthday in this AMAZING book, leave your birthday in my comments box. please leave the actual month and day, because the likelyhood of me remembering your birthday on demand on a scale of zero to totally, is most definately zero. all i know is lesley's a taurus... i cant even remember the real day... march 31st? no. thats wrong. thats they day we got in trouble together? i dont remember. im a bad best friend.

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